I'm excited lately.
I find myself in flow more often the past few months than I've felt in literally years.
It's exciting because there is a combined sense of returning to myself while becoming acquainted with this brand new version of me that I have never been before.
It's a version born of intense struggle and pain, and those versions tend to be the most fascinating, dynamic, and rich in possibility.
All hell broke loose in my world on September 1, 2016. Up until that day, 2016 had been on its way to being a banner year.
Then the doorbell rang.
The doorbell rang and the remainder of the year - as well as the two to follow - drug me in someplace dark and distorted where I frankly did not belong.
A young woman with a broken brain had convinced herself and a few others that I was involved in something I absolutely, positively, most definitely, was NOT involved in. Ever. Not even a little bit.
I spent over two years being told what I could and could not do, who I could and could not see, where I could and could not go, most of it in a holding pattern of "getting to the bottom of this."
"Innocent until proven guilty" is one of the many lies America tells itself about itself.
It was shocking and hurtful and sad. It was embarrassing. It caused a lot of unnecessary pain, a gigantic financial strain, and the disruption of a lot of people's lives.
But it was a two-year period that dripped with blessings, too. It blows me over to think back on how drenched with protection, love, and support I was the whole entire time.
My husband and I grew closer, our bond solidified, our love deepened.
I got to spend lots of time with faraway family.
I landed a job where I could work from home that, while not without its own set of challenges, afforded me multiple all-expenses-paid opportunities to have face-to-face time with dear friends and family I wouldn't've otherwise had, in a mansion on the beach, no less.
I was able to weed out the riffraff of my social circle REAL quick.
I learned how to forgive them, all of them, for they know not what they do.
I was initiated into the practices of Reiki energy healing, Kundalini yoga, and the Whole30.
My spiritual journey intensified, my connection to the Divine Source grew stronger, clearer, and more accessible.
I examined outdated beliefs about my worth, my character, and the power of my voice. I picked each one up, turned it different ways in the light, and shattered any notions that other people got to decide who I am or how I will live my life.
I deepened some friendships while releasing others, strengthened my faith in the divine timing of universe while working to release my tendency to care how others view me.
I'm still working on that one.
I upped my physical self-care game tenfold and then some. I rocked a reliable rotation of face masks, deep hair conditioning, body exfoliation, nail care, bubble baths, yoga, strength training, morning stretching, massage, acupuncture,
The irony of needing to root down in truth while interacting with a compulsive liar was not lost on me.
I needed a jolt of major magnitude, and BOY OH BOY did the Universe deliver.
I was up against some pretty scary possible consequences and shouldering quite a bit of emotional weight, but I did not lose one single night of sleep, because I knew everything was right with my soul.
I could - and still can! - look myself in the eye each morning.
It ended - because the other side laid down - and I could finally begin the process of healing.
The arduous, glorious, tumultuous process of healing.
Here it is months later, and I'm still picking through the pieces of what I can and cannot...will and will not...should and and should not...say.
I have big choices I get to make.
How will I re-build? With whom will I spend my time? Where will I direct my precious energy?
How can I shake off this urge I have to walk around shoving my middle finger in certain people's faces?!
I am intellectually aware that the more brainpower I give to replaying (read: re-justifying) other people transgressions, the morel likely I am to invite addition transgressions to bleed all over me, when the truth of the matter is I have MUCH better things to do!
I am at this critical juncture of taking the collected energy of the recent past and transforming it into ANYTHING I CHOOSE.
The thought almost makes me nervous. Almost.
I can order up the next few years of experience and circumstance by channeling my power, harnessing my intention, and getting laser-sharp focused on only that which allows for the Best Possible Outcome For All Involved.
It's paramount to get crystal clear on what I actually want.
I know by now that asking is the first step of receiving. I also know that removing the fluff is key. Let my mind dance around the kinds of thoughts and concepts that I want to invite into my life.
Ground into my own energy in the ways that excite my inner being, my spirit, my soul.
Give that flow a chance to grow.